When I'm An Old Man


... I'll wear mixed plaids.

... I'll put my teeth in only when I need them.

... I'll proudly and loudly produce massive amounts of phlegm at will.

... I'll drive as slow as I want ... I was here first, wasn't I?

... I'll buy my grandchildren gifts my kids don't want them to have.

... I'll let waiters and waitresses really know how "everything" is tonight.


... I'll wear Vicks Vap-o-Rub, BenGay, and that Icy Blue stuff instead of cologne.

... I'll let my gut stick out.  Way, way out ... who gives a rip anymore?

... I'll darn sure let people know what I think about "the crap they're showing on the TV these days."

... I'll let my grandchildren get away with things I used to punish my children for doing.

... I'll blow my nose as hard and as loud as I want!

... I'll make darn sure I get my "Senior" discount!


... I'll refuse to stand in long grocery store lines to pay for a quart of milk and a box of bran.  If they catch me, I'll just act senile.

... I'll darn sure let people know what I think about "the crap the government makes us go through just to get what we have coming to us."

... I'll keep my turn signal on as long as I want, dab nabit!

... I'll pass gas whenever and wherever I dang well please.


... I'll develop an addiction to Milk of Magnesia.

... I'll write long letters to the editor about whatever I don't like.

... I'll chug Metamucil like I used to chug beer.

... I'll obsessively make elaborate contraptions to keep the dang squirrels off my bird feeders.

... I'll have more hair growing out of my nose and ears than on the top of my skull.

... I'll flirt with women who wouldn't have gone out with me even when I was their age.


... I'll brush my eyebrow hair up over my bald spot.

... I'll go to them all-you-can-eat buffet lunch places and bring a doggy bag with me.

... I'll wear my pants hiked up around my armpits or I'll let them ride comfortably down under my belly.

... I'll blow my social security money by buyin' crap from the back of books.

~ Author Unknown ~

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